Red lights.

I woke up one morning feeling absolutely dreadful. It wasn’t the usual kind of ‘I have-to-drive-another-60-kilometres-today’ dreadful. I would have gotten over that once I got my hands on the steering wheel. It was…something else.

Remember one of my older blog posts where I said I had started to learn to accept myself? I was not lying. I really had begun doing so. But that morning I couldn’t shun my thoughts.

I stared at my own reflection in the mirror and for the first time in a long while, I had to fight the urge to shout contemptuous remarks to myself. I had to stifle the urge to stare disdainfully towards my reflection. To my own damn reflection.

I hated seeing the blemishes on my skin, my never-acne-free face, these devilish tiny black spots on my nose. I hated how hard it is to deal with my thick hair. I hated it when my sister said she wished she had thick hair like mine while I ever so strongly wish I had her hair. It would have made my life ten times easier. God, I even started to hate the fact that I have super poor eyesight. So on and so forth.

It wasn’t only the physical aspect that I loathed. I started moving on to my personality. Goodness, why couldn’t I be more assertive? Outspoken? More opinionated? More capable of thinking of clever, witty comebacks? More entertaining to be around? Why am I so reserved?

When people say the biggest enemy you can find is yourself, they’re telling the truth.

That day was full of self-hatred. That day I thought my effort in embracing everything I am had gone futile. I thought thenceforth I would quit trying.

But that day was also the day I realised that self-loving is a process. It’s a journey. I’m bound to meet some red lights and a few bumps on the road. Some days it would be quite hard to maneuver; the other days the drive would be pretty smooth.

If you’re also on your way to accepting yourself, let me tell you something. Self-loving doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time. It might take years even. If you happen to have one day where you wake up and find yourself not being able to get out of the bed due to every one of your details that you’re so insecure of, it is okay. You’re not expected to be confident all the time. It’s fine to have one day in a week where you have to deal with your insecurities all over again. If that day arrives at your door, don’t think your attempts are fruitless. Invite that day in; but don’t let it stay. Send it away when it’s time.

Don’t feel guilty towards yourself if you feel insecure again after you’ve been doing fine for so long. You haven’t failed, honey. It’s only another red light. It will turn green soon.

I admit it’s not as simple as it sounds when you’ve been dealing with feeling insecure almost all your life. Remember to surround yourself with people who can see your light no matter how much you think your insecurities may have curtained it. Maybe not everybody will concede with this; but you can attain self-love by loving others and them loving you back, just as well as you can attain self-love on your own. I’m thankful I have someone who constantly and tenaciously reminds me of how precious and wonderful I am. Being loved in such a way fortifies me to see myself in this person’s point of view. One of these days, it will be my own sentiment too.

I wish all of us the very best.

 

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