I looked at him, wondering if many years from now, his face would still be the one I’d be longing to see.
He reminded me so much of the rain – even his presence gave me a stroke of serendipity. Simultaneously, he could also drive me to despair. It has always fascinated my inquisitive soul to figure out why humans are often more inclined to things that are bittersweet; to things that can lead you to your most magical dreams yet also to your worst nightmares. Even worse, a lot of times we can hear that little voice in our heads, considerate and aware enough to warn us that it might not be the wisest, shrewdest of us to let that person into our lives. It’s weird and abstruse, I think, that albeit our foreseeing the red flag, we would still give our best effort to open the door, break the windows for them if we had to. Ironic but that is just the plain truth about the way our obstinate minds work. We become impulsive when it comes to taking the first step to such predicament.
Just exactly the way I described our lack of common sense – that was what happened.
“What do you see?” I asked, feeling the coldness of the night and the warmth of knowing that he was there.
“What do you mean?”
“Years from now.”
I could almost feel his spirit radiating. The nerves were still quite discernible – he had always mentioned how the future worried him but I knew deep down he was trying his best. He told me about his dreams, his parents’ dreams, his transitions and his struggles in finding his place in the world. For a while, we reflected each other. We shared our fear of what’s ahead. I listened to his confiding because naturally I would have wanted him to listen to mine too. I listened because I cared. Too much.
Time. It’s terrifying. You can go to sleep feeling worthless one night and wake up the next morning, destined to meet someone who will be so important to you and you important to them. Then again, you can go to sleep one night feeling like you know somebody and wake up the next morning to find out that you’re just a stranger and a passer-by to that person. You can go to sleep one night feeling on top of the world then wake up having to barricade yourself from the rest of the world.
As for me, I woke up to find out that his effort to stay was imperceptibly fading away. The hello’s became forced, the goodbye’s came faster, the conversations became shorter and deprived of enthusiasm. He reminded me of the fall season; colder and the earlier arrival of night. It was like witnessing Autumn leaves falling and the changing of colours – except that it didn’t exude beauty. It exuded pain instead; having to face it and swallow it like it didn’t matter.
“What do you see?” I asked. It wasn’t warm like before. I tried to stay oblivious to the cold surrounding but it wasn’t easy for the hostility itself felt like throbbing coldness.
Silence. “What do you mean?”
“Years from now. Will it still be the same?”
Another unpleasant silence. It was definitely not the kind of soothing silence that you would yearn for after a hectic day. It was the silence that could tear you apart, inch by inch.
“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.”
That was when I realised that even if I wanted him to listen to me the way I had listened to him, I couldn’t impel him to do so. Not when I could feel the distance between the both of us. Not when the effort he once showed no longer existed. Not when time had manipulated everything.
We didn’t reflect each other anymore. I wanted him to be a part of my future while he wanted me to stay permanently in his past.
Torn asunder, I looked at him and I knew that many years from now, I wouldn’t be someone he would be longing to see.
So there it is! It’s a prompt update, I know, but sometimes it tends to happen anyway. Besides, I’m most likely not going to be updating in the nearest time. I actually wrote this in the car while I was waiting for my mother and sister during our day out together. It was such a gloomy and sentimental day I wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity to get productive with my writing. It’s definitely not perfect but I’m still learning to improve, step by step.
Thank you so much for reading. Be kind, be thankful and have a glorious day.